Oh hey, my shoes disintegrated at the airport!
An epic fuck-up, a low-buy update 😬
It’s the end of April, somehow. I’m as confused as you are. In an attempt to challenge my spending patterns and consumerist mindset, I’m supposed to be limiting myself to one (1) new item of clothing per month. I thought, when I so smugly announced this, that it would be easy. Buy less shit. Save more. Stop filling up the planet with things you cannot take with you when you depart. And then the first month went by and I was a little alarmed that I already failed. It was a small blunder, I figured, but nothing I couldn’t get a grip on.
Obviously, I suspected that I had a problem with consumption when I set this challenge, but I don’t think I realised how much I rely on the dopamine hit for when I’m going through it, which is what ended up happening in February, March and a little bit of April. I mentioned recently that I’ve quit my job and relocated to Berlin to write full-time. No regrets, but some parts of that have been really fucking hard. February in particular was a rough month with lots of unforeseen, unwelcome news. March was in some ways absolutely glorious, and in other ways, the most stressed out I have ever been in my life. April was mostly dominated by a stressful writing deadline and the disorientation of living out of a hotel room. Recently, a friend observed that I was going through almost every single major life change a human can experience, all at the same time. No wonder, she was trying to kindly say, you feel completely untethered.
I was so consumed by life shit that at times I completely forgot about this challenge, madly searching for things that would bring me momentary excitement and distraction. A few people suggested I take up running. I have tried it, and all it did was piss me off. But soft, pretty clothes? Urgh, they are so very effective in making me happy, even if the joy is temporary. Can you tell that I’m stalling? Can you tell I have a problem?
Anyway. Here’s everything I bought in February, March and April.
These Dr. Martens loafers
I got these because I heard that this specific design was good for people with stupidly narrow feet (me) and because my cousin has a 65% discount at Dr. Martens. Yes, 65% off. I love these loafers so much - once broken in, they’re so comfortable. I feel like a Real Writer in them. At this point in early February I had no idea about the *mound* of shit that was coming my way, so I figured I was done. It was going to be a short, dull substack! Perfect!
These emergency airport trainers
I need to set the scene - these are an emergency-purchase so don’t count, but the reason why I bought them is so DUMB that I need to give you the full story.
All in the same week, I had my last day at work, I recorded the audio book for my debut short story collection, and I spent three days in Sweden. That entire week, I was staying at my parent’s house with just one pair of shoes; an ancient pair of walking boots that I’ve had since I was about thirteen.
The morning of my flight, I was heading into the Penguin studios to record the last few bits of the book. I was minding my own business on the tube, when I looked down and realised a chunk of my boot had come off. Not necessarily surprising, given how old they were. But very unhelpful, given that I was going straight from studio to airport to a country that was -4 degrees. I lifted up my left foot and discovered an ominous looking crack running right down the sole - but it looked like it had been there for ages. These were good quality, sturdy, outdoor boots. They’d be fine for a few more days, surely!
This all happened at 8 in the morning, and I was done and out the studio by 2pm. My flight was at 5. By this point, it was becoming abundantly clear that not only were my walking boots definitely not going to last another three days, they weren’t even going to last another three hours. The right shoe had now joined in on the action - every time I walked, I trailed bits of grey foam behind me like a weirder, much shittier version of Hansel and Gretel. It was like they’d suddenly just lost the willpower to survive. To make matters worse, it was raining outside. I very quickly learnt these boots were not waterproof. If anything, the rain seemed to speed up their demise. On the Gatwick Express, I noticed an elderly woman staring at my feet with very obvious concern. Fair enough, tbh.
This continued all the way to airport security, where the final vestiges of my dignity disintegrated - much like my boots. After I’d collected my backpack and hobbled away, I heard a man shouting, “Miss….MISS! I think you dropped something.” I turned around to see an airport security staff member politely holding out an entire bottom sole of my shoe, like it was a glove or a waller that I’d accidentally left behind. Why he would do this, I don’t know. Why I would take it and very passionately thank him, I also couldn’t say.
I had two choices - scramble to find something before my flight, or try and make it through the night and invest in some new walking boots in the famously cheap country of Sweden. Never in my life did I think the sight of a duty free JD Sports would fill me with relief.
This banana jumper!
Hey, did you know that there’s a company that makes matching mother and baby clothes? Well I didn’t until Instagram served me (very firmly not a mother or a baby) this ad for Claude & Co jumpers. I bought this during a 2am doomscrolling session after a very shitty week - very shitty. I really love it, what can I say. I wore it around my mum for several days, after which she asked me why I’d bought a jumper with a penis on it. Sure!
This Vinted Free People dress
Hear me out: I’ve been looking for this exact dress in my size since October, BUT I’ve actually been searching for a dress like this since I was thirteen. This is my platonic dress ideal, the most perfect thing I could conjure up in my YA brain. It has everything: cut out, draped sleeves, a criss-cross bodice, a flowy skirt, a beautiful, soft creamy fabric. I knew when I saw someone else wearing it last year that this was the dress I’ve been looking for my whole life. It’s an old Free People design, no longer in stock anywhere. But the greatest thing about Vinted is that if you’re patient enough, you will find the thing you’re looking for - I knew there was no way a dress from such a popular brand wouldn’t eventually make its way over. It took a few weeks to tweak the search functions to hone in on the exact specifications, and then it was just a matter of checking every few days. I finally found it at 11pm in early March and bought it *immedately*. I didn’t even haggle - but it was thankfully way cheaper than the original price. Again, I sort of just forgot that I’m not supposed to be buying things - but I would have bought it regardless. I’m thrilled with it - it made a bad day better. (Also I have now deleted the app off my phone.)
This Tomato Bag
Idk what to say other that I liked it and impulsively bought this without even thinking about the fact that I am not supposed to be buying things.
These Uniqlo stripy pants that I am trying to pretend don’t count but do count
Yeah, I mean, like a fucking moron I packed every trouser I own except for a pair of Levi’s and found myself living out of a suitcase that had: 3 bikinis, 7 books and 1 pair of swimming goggles but no trousers with an elasticated waistband. I have worn these about fifty times since buying them.
A bunch of workout gear that I don’t have photos of
I mean, I could sort of classify these as a necessary purchase, but really it’s because of poor planning on my part. Once again, I failed to understand the basics of packing to move abroad and put my gym clothes into storage until mid April. I did this in February. By March, I was having such a stressful time that I was voluntarily going jogging (!) and a girl needs her sports bras, ok?
These STUNNING Duke&Dexter Loafers
I do a ‘big’ purchase every time I have a book published, as a congratulations to myself. When teeth in the back of my neck came out I bought a dress from Anthropologie and this year I bought these. I’m still breaking them in, but god, they’re everything I want in a shoe.
This 80’s yacht jacket
This was actually a gift from my partner but I’m counting it anyway, becuase he wouldn’t have bought it if I hadn’t tried it on and lost my mind. We found this at vintage market in Berlin, of course. It’s a suede and cotton ‘yacht jacket’ from the 80’s of course. Pristine condition. Felt extremely cool whilst wearing it. Don’t really understand what a yacht jacket is, or why you would even consider going near salt water in suede, but who cares! I fucking LOVE it.
And finally…Farm Rio
Mum had to go back to Brasil to sort out her state pension (mum’s had a job since she was fourteen) and so I jumped on the (rare) chance to shop at my favourite place. Farm Rio is the best clothing brand of all time. I specifically mean Farm Rio Brasil, not the European version - the material is better, the sizes are more suited to my body type and colours are stunning. And becuase I paid for them in reals, the conversion rate makes them about five times cheaper than they would be in England. I asked my cousin to buy me two dresses and a skirt from the online store and got them delivered to my aunt’s house, where mum picked them up. By the time she came back, I’d moved to Berlin, so I don’t have photos of these yet - to be included in the next round up.
And the final score
Essentials: 2
Non essentials: 10 ! !
Score: I was on -2 last time, and I’m really proud to say I’ve now dropped to -12! That’s very bad.
Yes, it is clear I have a problem. This much is true. I also had a SHIT time that involved some really challenging moments that sort of all happened at once. It’s a deeply unsustainable way to move through shit times, I’m aware…and I can’t really just give myself a pass every time I fuck up. Something has to give though. Rather than focusing on changing my behaviour for an entire year, I’m going to scale it down to a month-by-month basis. My challenge for the month of May is to buy nothing at all. Nothing at all for 31 days. In theory this should be easy, but I think we all know that in practice I am going to find this tough.
See you for the next round of these!
A quick favour. I love writing these posts, and I intend to do them for free for as long as I can. If you enjoyed reading this, forward it to a friend (or three) who you think might like it too. It helps massively, because validation from strangers is truly the only thing that makes the horrors bearable for me.
Great post, sorry you’ve had a tough and stressful time. My vote is that anything vintage/preloved/charity etc. shouldn’t count this year. Ease yourself into this challenge, go with no newly produced clothes and then next year when things have hopefully settled a little for you, you can reassess. Also emergency airport shoe purchases do not count.