On pens

Big ones, oddly-shaped ones, disappointing ones. Don’t get me started on girth.

There is no other subject more riveting than pens, of course. Big ones, oddly-shaped ones, disappointing ones. Don’t even get me started on girth.

People like me who are horny for stationary (ok I’m done now, sorry) will know that there are few things more thrilling than breaking out a fresh new notebook and pen for your latest project. Like the blank page, the pen is a promise of possibility - but less paralysing. You can always doodle, after all.

As a writer, I carry a pen and a notebook with me almost everywhere. Not to write in it, obviously, but to let everyone know that I’m a mysterious woman: aloof, quietly brilliant, bitingly observant. The most recent page in my notebook simply says ‘men -umbrellas?’

I have a rotation of pens, becuase of course I fucking do. There’s my black Lamy fountain pen I bought in a Berlin airport, due to sheer nostalgia. I discovered they have a nib which produces a much thicker line. This is important - I hate thin lines. They remind me of spider legs, idk why. It’s why the famous Muji pens are the villains of my life. Too thin and sprawling, too exposing of my messy writing. The sturdy nib of the Lamy produces such a satisfying line that even my scrawl looks kinda hot. Perfect for my aloof public persona. I also panic bought a neon yellow one a few months later when I thought I had lost the black (I hadn’t) and now interchange between the two. They’re both perfect - quick drying, light, easy to grip and the ink lasts for weeks.

Lamy, for some reason, also sells a pen that is almost £400 (!!). I like to think that common sense, not budget constraints, stop me from spending that much on a pen. But. Who knows.

Then there’s the uni-ball one ballpoint gel pen that just won the 2024 Japanese Stationary Awards, which Instagram influenced me into buying. They’re about £6 each with ink refills available. The odd thing about these pens is that they’re short and thick, which is a bit off-putting at the start. But after a few minutes of use, I see why it’s so praised. This pen writes super smoothly, the 0.5mm nib making my writing look way neater and less spiky - almost like back to school vibes. To save £3 on shipping, I spent £6 on a second pen, so am the proud owner of the grape and the tangerine pens (sadly, unscented). These pens have proved much discussion in the community - there’s a hierarchy of colours amongst uni-ball fans. Tangerine is close to the top and grape lags at the bottom becuase it ‘drags’. I wish I could say I don’t understand any of this and that I don’t get this excited about pens. But I do, and I fully back the anti-grape bridge. She’s cute but she DOES drag, and this makes the ink sputter occasionally - and this is apparently part of her grape personality! Why?! I emailed awesomepens.co.uk asking for a replacement and they laughed in my face.

no, YOU spent your lunch break testing out the four pens in your ‘pen roster’. Fountain pen is my - I mean, your - overall winner.

Hovering in awkward third place is another trusty Mitsubishi - the uni-ball eye UB 157. I’ve called them ‘ball point’ pens in the very important scientific study I conducted in my lunch break, and I was WRONG. They’re rollerball pens, which is apparently very different. I do really like these, even as I’m about to whinge about the nib (a bit on the thin side for me) and the messiness (they smudge too easily). These pens are great - they always deliver, don’t leak, and make my words look hot, in a chaotic sort of way.

Then, randomly, I have a way-too-thick Artline 210 with a 0.6 nib. I tell you what I definitely don’t use this one for: writing messages onto cubicles walls already alive with other people’s handwriting.

This was not sponsored by big pen, but damn I wish it had been becuase I can’t believe I just wrote an entire blog post about pens.

I accosted my partner during his own lunch break and made him write this. His winner is the tangerine uni-ball gel pen. Guess what he was eating.

A quick favour. I love writing these posts, and I intend to do them for free for as long as I can. If you enjoyed reading this, forward it to a friend (or three) who you think might like it too. It helps massively, because validation from strangers is truly the only thing that makes the horrors bearable for me.

PS: If you spotted a typo, no you didn’t.