Imo, beauty standards haven't gone far enough
here's how we can all do better
Call me crazy (my ex certainly does!) but I think that we all need to be thinking about the way we look more. Recently, I stumbled across this gem of a press release that showcases just how brands are redefining random parts of our bodies and repacking that as skin care - or, intimate skin care. For Gen Z of course, because millennials already have Fem Fresh daily intimate body wash and Gen X have Johnson’s (allegedly cancer causing) talcum powder! Gen Z however, will be the first generation to enjoy gender-neutral body care, which really goes to show how much companies care about inclusivity when it comes to selling us things.
If you don’t want to click on all those links, that’s so fair. I’ll just get to the point! Kiehl’s (loveyousomuchifyourereadingthis) have released some exciting new products for our genitalia! First of all, we have what might be an industry first: ingrown hair and tone-correcting intimate drops! Obviously, ingrown hair products have been around for a very long time - ever since women were socialised into being ashamed of our body hair and politely coerced into ritually removing it. For a fee, of course. But, tone-correcting is a new one, and I couldn't be happier to see it.
It’s perfectly normal for the skin in your private area to be darker than the rest of your body. But just because something is normal doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, which is why I’m really pleased to see a product like this in the market - especially when it’s geared towards young people. The sooner teenagers start tone-correcting their intimate areas, the more evenly-toned they’ll be by the time they reach my age. Which is good, because by then all sorts of other appearance related issues will have cropped up - they’ll have more energy to tackle those.
This what I meant at the start of this post when I said we need to spend more time thinking about the way we look. The act of being beautiful (and therefore valuable) is not something that you can just plunge into at the haggard age of 29. You need to start prepping and toning your skin, your cuticles, your hair, your cartilage etc from an early age, or all the products that you can afford in your thirties just won’t work (unless you can afford the tweakments and the surgeries, of course!). That’s why it’s a good thing that we are applying new standards to our genitles - I don’t think they’re really scrutinised enough in this day and age. And the more issues we tackle now, the more room we’ll have to deal with all the new ones that will come next year, and the year after, and so forth.
In today’s fractured world, we could all do with more distraction, greater insecurities and less money. With all this in mind, here are some products I would love to see massive corporations invent. I’ve even come up with base copy!
Radiant cleansing day-glo summer berry ear drops:
Made with fresh jojoba and organic berry, this ultra-smooth formula has been specially created to address behind-the-ear dullness and dryness. Use twice a day behind the lobes to minimise discomfort and create long lasting shine.
Hand-pressed ooey-gooey knee oil:
Made with hand-pressed almond and watermelons grown to the tune of Mozart’s Symphony No. 40, our new and improved ooey-gooey knee oil smooths out any wrinkles and fine lines that may accumulate at the backs of knees from walking, sleeping or climbing stairs. For best results, apply hourly and don’t bend the knee ten minutes before, during or after application.
You’re Already Perfect wrist concealer:
Have you ever looked down at the spidery veins decorating your inner wrists and felt ashamed? Then our ‘You’re Already Perfect’ concealer is your new holy-grail product! Made of crushed mother-of-pearl and snail urine, our powder-based concealer makes your wrists look blemish free in just two easy steps! Best used in conjunction with our ‘I’m Enough’ fine mist setting spray!
Activating citrus enzyme smoothing clarifying emulsion:
This could literally mean anything :) But you know those pores between your shoulder blades? The ones you can’t actually see? Well! These help them get as smooth as if your entire body were in fact one lovely piece of metal. As if you were a robot. Due to its corrosive ingredients, this product should be kept away from stainless steel.
Have a Crack-ing Time sheet mask:
If your butt crack is a little rougher than it should be, our liquorice-root and bay-leaf blend with help smoothen it out. When used at night, the added sea moss and oxygen-boosted retinoid will boost transparency and visibly reduce crack appearance. May cause light burning if left on for too long.
Remember, the more you optimise, the less human you will feel. The less human you feel, the easier it is to Enjoy Capitalism, Ignore The Horrors and Go To Work!
xxx
Kiehls! Send me free stuff!
A quick favour. I love writing these posts, and I intend to do them for free for as long as I can. If you enjoyed reading this, forward it to a friend (or three) who you think might like it too. It helps massively, because validation from strangers is truly the only thing that makes the horrors bearable for me.
i'm cackling! "Hand-pressed ooey-gooey knee oil" is too good. thank you for writing this!