I went to Florida in June. How unexpected and random and original.
I went with my partner and his sister (and a best friend joined us from Boston for a bit!). It was part holiday, part research trip for my next book, my first time in the deeply weird social experiment that is the US. I learnt a lot.
Up until now I’d been feeling pretty smug (how British of me) about my disdain for America. Sure, Europe was the birthplace of capitalism, but like bacteria entering a weakened immune system, the ideology proliferated so effectively across the pond that it’s mutated into its own kind of unique parasite. You can buy anything over there, even an election. ‘Medical debt’ should not be a concept any human being knows, and yet it’s been perfected, institutionalised, normalised. The American psyche is soaked in individualism and self-interest. And yet, they’re some of the friendliest people I’ve met. I didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a very strange place to me - I’m still suspicious. But at least I got to compare it to the version I had in my head, and that was fun. The little of America I saw was incredibly beautiful. It’s a contradictory, fascinating place, and I now actively want to go back and visit the parts I’ve always been interested in (Austin, New Orleans, Nashville, New York, anywhere in California that isn’t LA).
This is a three part series: what I ate, what I did, what I saw. That last one will be images pulled from my film camera, in development as I type. Exciting! Welcome to the ✨food edition✨.
Smug little me
Just before we get started - Here’s my perception of America (Florida):
Bad food and huge portions (sort of true)
Guns everywhere (if they were everywhere, I didn’t see them. Florida is a concealed carry state. I tried not to think about it too much)
Flags everywhere (trueeeee)
A general feeling of danger (not true but also slightly true)
Very friendly people (true and this was both fun and stressful because I am the worst kind of British, which is the one who gets flustered when talking to strangers)
Insane, aggressive politics (thrilled to report that the US kind of went to war with Iran during our trip)
Cheap (not! true!)
Weird bathroom stalls with weird big gaps in them (yes this was everywhere. Why??)
Here’s a few other things I observed whilst I was there :
There is so much ice in the drinks. To the point where you can’t take a sip without getting a mouthful of ice. And then you need a straw. Do you see how Americans love to create problems for themselves and the planet? Outrageous
French vanilla creamer is extremely good in your coffee and extremely bad for your arteries
Walmart and Target are magical, dystopian and horrifying places, because why are there three gigantic aisles just for toothpaste? How can there possibly be this many toothpaste brands to choose from and how do they all set themselves apart? Surely people just buy what their parents bought? Why would anyone make another toothpaste brand in the face of this competition?
The tipping thing. Ok. I knew about it before but I saw it in the flesh and I think it’s extremely evil to allow businesses to place the onus of decent pay onto the customer? Who might be a complete arsehole (or asshole)? More on that later
Yeah, you really do need a car. It’s big.
The misinformation was everywhere. At one point someone was straight up lying to my face about shooting statistics and I just had to nod along because there was no way I was going to argue with a guy who had a gun
Not including the tax in the price is really confusing and unnecessary. Do people enjoy getting an unpleasant surprise at the till?
Americans love a novelty t-shirt
Everything is really intense
The seductive power of this country is palpable from the moment you slip out of the airport doors. America is so sure of itself - confidence is stamped all over the place, from the ‘swim mom’ bumper stickers to the flags (state and national) draped over the back of jeeps. It's as alluring as it is bizarre. There are cultural touchstones peppered everywhere you look, words and locations familiar from the many TV references - PF Chang’s, Wendy’s, fender bender, Waffle House, PF Denny’s - things that might be commonplace to Americans but are weirdly exciting for people like me.
As a tourist it’s easy to be pulled in by the shiny novelty and the dazzle of the same-same-but-different. But every country has its shit. We weren’t really around long enough to see much, but the cracks are there if you look closely. Relentless and aggressive ads for medical malpractice and car crash litigation, partially built concrete apartments missing entire walls, furniture bloated from weather exposure, a thousand different fast food restaurants but not a supermarket in sight.
It often felt like we were extras on a film set, witnessing quintessential America. Take this horror story: someone I spoke to told me that they assume that everyone has a weapon on them at all times, which means they always assess the nearest exit points, because danger could strike at any point. This same person also carried a pistol tucked down the front of his jeans and worked in a gun range. I don’t understand how so much contradiction can exist as seamlessly it apparently does - but then, I’m an idiot who thinks everyone should have free, high quality healthcare, so what do I know.
Sorry, I needed to make a dig. America was leaning in for a kiss and I almost kissed her back. Let’s talk about food.
Olive Garden is a state of mind
One of our first culinary experiences, and also one of the most memorable. When I said I wanted to visit the cultural staple of Olive Garden, my partner and his sister both warned me that the food was really bad. I was fine with that, figuring that even ‘really bad’ pasta is probably ok, right? Wrong.
I cannot understate how bad Olive Garden was. The second we walked in there was a rancid smell - it was warm and smelt vaguely of vomit. When I mentioned this, my partner said, “That’s the cheese.” Immediate red flag, but there was a thunderstorm outside and we were already soaked just from running from the car to the restaurant. We were staying.
First up: the breadsticks. These were the best part of the meal by far. They were warm, salty and full of liquid butter. Excellent. There was unlimited side salad, limp, tasting of nothing. The marinara sauce was really salty, as was my dish, a ‘starter’ size of deep fried ravioli that also tasted of pretty much nothing except salt. That was still better than my partner’s dish of extremely salty chicken and extremely overcooked spaghetti (overcooked noodles was a fun surprise in every pasta dish we ordered in Florida 🥲).
I’ve heard that Americans love Olive Garden - no idea if that is true or not, but if it is, I don’t understand why, because every other meal we had was better than this. Even the Popeye’s burger with the extremely rubbery chicken - so boring it didn’t even make this list.
Rating: 2/10, purely for those breadsticks.
Whilst we were there, we also saw the worst side of tipping culture, which further solidified my belief that the way the US does hospitality is really, really wrong. The table next to us were so rude to their server, barking orders at her, belittling her and straight up ignoring her when she asked (necessary) questions. And then they didn’t tip, leaving her stressed and frustrated. And it would be stressful, if the money you earn from tips constitutes up to 60% of your salary. Not tipping has immediate consequences for people who are already working minimum wage jobs in an industry that is notoriously abusive. That was further underlined by the server’s reaction when we gave her $20 extra to cover what she’d lost from the other table. She cried.
I talked to a few servers in different restaurants becuase I was curious about how they felt about tipping (they all defended it, fyi). As someone who spent six years working in hospitality, I already have strong feelings about what constitutes fair pay. Learning about what American servers experience was deeply depressing to me, even if they seemed fine with it. Someone I spoke to at an IHOP told me they would never work in hospitality in Georgia again, because minimum wage was THREE DOLLARS an hour. In Florida, it’s $9.98 (if the server makes at least a 3% tip that shift), which is £7.30 - almost half of the UK’s minimum wage (£12.21). I’m not sure why tipping is such a thing, instead of just paying people more? Shifting the responsibility to pay a fair wage onto the consumer is a bizarre and evil practice.
Having said that, the majority of people do tip. The woman from IHOP was a single mother of five and was pretty clear that her salary covers everything her family needs, because she earns anything from $80 to $200 a day in tips alone. So, as long as no one exploits the system, it works? How is that fair?
Panda Express
This was fine? Not terrible, not great. I got orange chicken and it was mostly just salty again, but at least the orange (?) sauce was so sweet that the two cancelled each other out. After Olive Garden though, this was basically gourmet. American Chinese cuisine is on my list to try at some point, but I don’t know if we were in the right state for that.
Rating: 5/10. The chicken was pretty tender.
Denny’s
Denny’s was SO GOOD! The decor is kind of iconic, the coffee is cheap, the food is really good. The menu was wild - everything you order comes with pancakes on the side, even the giant breakfast plates. The image on the right is a single order - eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, toast and ‘jelly’ (out of frame), a bowl of fruits and two giant cinnamon crunch pancakes topped with vanilla icing. That’s all for one person.
This is the kind of place that, were I living in America, I would frequent. I’d spend hours in a booth with my laptop, headphones on, writing away and getting free coffee refills. And obviously I would then order the strawberry stuffed French toast, because that dish was perfect. Sweet, hot, fatty, syrupy perfection. If anyone wants to get me something from Denny’s Diner Drip, don’t hold back.
Rating: 10/10. Something about that place tells me that if I sat there long enough, I’d witness something incredible.
IHOP
Another banger - I went for an American classic of chicken and waffles, and this blew any UK version out of the water. Looks kinda dodgy, I’ll admit, but it tasted amazing. That white balls you see on the waffle and pancakes aren’t ice cream. They’re butter! Don’t dwell on it! the sauce was honey mustard, the syrup was extra syrupy, the waffle was light and waffle-y, the chicken was crispy, the pancakes were fluffy. Just amazing stuff.
Rating: 9/10. I’m scared that I’m hooked on melted butter now.
Wendy’s
Stopped at a service station partway through our road trip. Really good burger. Regret not trying the Saucy Nuggs. Felt very American.
Rating: 8/10. One day the Saucy Nuggs and I will meet.
Snack Haul
One afternoon, we gathered around the table and tried all these snacks I picked out at random from Walmart or Target. I chose them because I thought they’d either be delicious or disgusting.
Goldfish Crackers (Old Bay seasoned, whatever that means): 7/10. They were moorish, cute, small. Not bad. Though my best friend did announce that it ‘smells like cat’ when she opened the bag
Lay’s Dill Pickle: 10/10. Universally enjoyed. Excellent, pickle-y, not overwhelming and definitely not too vinegary. Wish we had them here.
Beef Jerky (not pictured, sorry): 6/10. Sweet, flavourful, chewy. Odd metallic aftertaste though.
Chicken in a Biskit: 6.5/10. We all thought these were going to be grim but they were nice enough. Couldn’t taste any chicken though.
Honey Maid Graham Crackers: 4/10. That’s my personal rating - everyone else liked it, but I found the texture to be weirdly soft. The taste was meh.
UTZ Lemonade Chips: 9/10. I will say this is the most unique crisp flavour I’ve ever tried. Surprisingly very good - lemonade-y but not too sweet. Herby.
Platanitos Saldito: 4/10. Tasted like corn. Bland.
Platanitos Madurito: 2/10. “Tastes like a if you left a chip stuck to a magazine and it melted.”
Unrelated, but I had nowhere to put this image and I wanted to introduce you to Smucker’s:
Deep Fried Pickle
As a pickle aficionado, I admire America’s embrace of the humble gherkin. I ate pickles in a bag, pickles in a bun, pickle-flavoured chips, pickles dipped in oil, the lot. These deep-fried pickles were texturally confusing but still pretty damn good. Would I order them again? No. It’s a once-is-enough kind of dish.
Rating: 6/10. This feels like something that doesn’t need to be done to a pickle.
Fish Tacos
I’m rarely a fish person, but part of our road trip took us to the coast - to Indian Shores beach. On our first night, we stopped at the first decent-looking restaurant we saw and ordered the seared Mahi Mahi and the grouper tacos with the Mexican corn. Everything was fresh and delicious. We ate outside for the first (and only) duration of the trip, becuase the breeze coming off the ocean was perfect and the sunset was soft and pink and people seemed content in ways that I didn't know Americans could be.
Rating: 10/10. I have a new appreciation for fish tacos.
On the way home we noticed a cloud that appeared to have an entire thunderstorm happening inside it, whilst the rest of the sky was a calm cerulean. Cool, no?
Ecuador
Another amazing meal. We stopped by a strip mall looking for a good meal (no fast food) and found this Ecuadorian restaurant. It was quiet and unassuming, and we had to order in Spanish, and the food was excellent. I ordered a spiced peanut chicken dish with rice and grilled plantain. It came wrapped in banana leaves and it was so good that I ate until I was uncomfortably full and then had to waddle back to the car.
Rating: 10/10. I think more dishes should be cooked in banana leaf.
Seafood Seller
We owe a lot to a Crystal River local named Kacey, who gave us three excellent recommendations of where to eat and what to do. This was the first suggestion she gave us, a Louisiana restaurant called the Seafood Seller that was full at half eleven in the morning. We barely got a seat. I ordered the gator sausage sandwich (top left) with deep-fried okra and it was delicious. Served with ‘French bread’ (brioche), it was spicy and oily and peppery, pairing perfectly with the okra. My partner got a gigantic bowl of crawfish (top right) with garlic butter dipping sauce. I've never had fresh crawfish before. More tender than I expected, though I’m not sure I could eat more than a few as an inherently lazy person. There’s a lot of work involved - our server showed us how to remove the head and suck out the meat.
For dessert we tried the pecan pie, a childhood favourite of mine. It was good but really sweet - a one-bite kind of dessert. The real winner was the New Orleans-style beignets. Picture the soft inside of a warm croissant, freshly baked in the boulangerie. Now imagine that soft dough being deep-friend and tossed in powdered sugar, so that it’s crisp on the outside but still moist and supple on the inside, the powder soaking into the oily skin so that every bite is a ménage à trois of butter, sugar and bread: hot, buttery, doughy sweetness. The dough breaks apart, melting on the tongue. You can do nothing except savour the honeyed, pillowy bites. Add a little warm chocolate sauce and you have the New Orleans beignet. It was just everything a dessert needs to be, and I think about them all the time.
Rating: 10/10, obviously. Just writing the paragraph above sent me into a trance.
This Smoothie Could Feed A Family Of Four
Not much to say other than this very sugary mango smoothie was bigger than the size of my head.
I’ll leave you with this receipt which I found charming. Next up in the limited edition Florida series is everything I did whilst I was there (spoiler: there were manatees and honky tonks involved).
By the way - I think it’s fun to neg America a little bit but please do not forget I also harbour a healthy dose of disgust towards Britain (more specifically, the English).
A quick favour. I love writing these posts, and I intend to do them for free for as long as I can. If you enjoyed reading this, forward it to a friend (or three) who you think might like it too. It helps massively, because validation from strangers is truly the only thing that makes the horrors bearable for me.